Heart-Skip

With his cold stethescope against my chest he hears it, "Ga-gong, ga-gong, ga-gong." Puzzled, he turns to me and says, "Now I'll place this on your back and I'd like you to take two deep breaths every time I move it around."

"Ok...," I thought. But then suddenly, I realize something was up (and it's never a good thing at the doctor's office). "No one has ever taken this long before," I said to myself.

As he removed the earpierce passed his grayish-white hair he asked, "Has anyone ever told you, you had an irregular heartbeat?"

"Uh...no," I said confused.

He gets the stethescope, places it in my ears and tells me to listen closely for 15 seconds. One, one thousand. Two, one thousand. Three, one thousand...It felt like forever.

"Ga-gong, ga-gong, ga-gong...skip...ga-gong, ga-gong, ga-gong...skip," I heard. A slight shift in sound, but it was there and I was completely clueless to it ever being there this whole time. After all these doctors examined me and told me I was perfectly normal, this one took just a few more seconds of his time to tell me otherwise.

I left the clinic stunned at the thought of needing to get a second opinion. I figured I'll make the appointment, get my usual result, and put this all behind me. Well, until today.

I sat on the patient's table, impatiently. Crunching the tissue paper with every anxious move I make. The nurse comes in and checks my vital signs. She takes my wrist and says, "Ok, now for your pulse."

She starts her stop watch.

"Wait," she says. "This doesn't seem right," she continued.

She restarts her stop watch.

Her facial expression changes. She writes some notes on her hand. "Did you know you have an irregular pulse?" she asks casually.

"Ugh, stop it with the irregularities, what the fuck is wrong with me?!" I wanted to scream.
But all that came out was, "Uh...no."

She steps out and tells me to hang tight for the doctor. A petite, Asian woman enters. She seemed like she was in a rush until she checked my heartbeat. Once again, the same reaction. This was becoming a routine:

Step 1: Check.
Step 2: Wait.
Step 3: Look puzzled.
Step 4: Check again.
Step 5: Smile so patient doesn't panic.
Step 6: Ask, "Has anyone ever told you that you have an irregular heartbeat?"

Before I knew it, I was lying half-naked and exposed with ten little stickies on my chest.
"Well this is comfortable," I thought to myself as the technician hovered over me, looking more and more nervous as he untangled the attached electrical cords.

"Is everything ok for you?" he asked politely.

"Gee," I thought again.

"Uh, yup. This won't hurt will it?" I asked just to make conversation.

"Nah," he said as he pushed some buttons on the machine.

Fortunately, the results were normal. Unfortunately, that meant shit. It turns out that my heart may have actually found its lost beat during the commotion so the doctor requested some blood work to be done. Oh, and by the way this particular clinic I chose no longer does blood draws so they gave me a sheet of paper with at least twenty clinics to choose from (none of which I was at all familar with) and sent me on my way to draw a single tube of blood.

Meanwhile back at the lab, things were slow. Hmmm...

The nurse was sitting back in her recliner talking to one of her kids on her cellphone. It turns out he or she didn't do their homework. After a few minutes, she noticed I was there for her to do her job.

"My, what little veins you got there," she said cheerfully.

The funny, well not so funny, thing is that I draw blood for a living too. And it saddens me that now that the table's are turned, I get this.

So now I have a bruise on my left arm growing bigger each day and still no idea if my heartbeat is truly irregular.

Love to Hate, Hate to Love

I cherish the very few friends I have, but this in no way means that I will allow myself to be taken advantaged of. Even if it may seem at times that I choose to step down to see how far the person will walk over me. Maybe in some way I'm an emotional masochist. I love catching up even if at one point we were "enemies." What the hell does that mean anyway? Love to hate 'em, hate to love 'em. Well, in that case I have too many...

If you are still in my life, it is because you choose to be and I enjoy having you here. If you have not heard from me, it is because you stopped calling, texting, emailing, my-spacing... Or maybe lost track with your busy schedule. Or just simply forgot to say, "Hello." Please understand that I am not angry nor confused. And although I am saddened as to why this may have happened, I just do not care anymore to fight over petty things. I have always been easy to find. If you are wondering where I have been, it is because you have not taken the time to check in. You know where I am. I never left.

Happiness Isn't...

What Hurts More Than A Broken Heart?

A lost pet.

A friend's betrayal.

A terrible investment.

A life-altering accident.

An incurable illness.

Being a disappointment.

Failing when you really tried your best.

Losing your home in a single storm.

The death of someone that meant the world to you.

To Love Another

"The sexiest thing is trust..."communication and in any relationship, the ability to just relax and quit worrying about the little things. Everything makes so much sense on the outside looking in. Fixing someone else's problems seems so much easier than dealing with one's own. Sometimes I wish that I could step out of my shell and just let it all go.

And what is it really that gets me to overanalyze to such a degree? To question every bit of information? To act out just to see a reaction? To predict the worst case scenario? Paranoia? Maybe. Low self-confidence? Could be. Yet it's the fact that my instincts show what appears to be isn't always what it is and the intentions of another is not always quite so innocent. So I don't let things sit long enough to see what happens next. And unfortunately this can also be my downfall. Yes, this is dramatic, but I've been there, done that too many times to dismiss what bothers me to cater to the norm. It's unfair that the past comes back to haunt me and the present must piece me back together again.

But I'm learning that it's not anyone's problem, but my own that I need to fix for myself.

I write how I feel and if it's sad, it's because I'm sad. And rarely is it ever "perky" so there's no surprise when I take a few moments of my life to vent. I do appreciate anyone who takes any of their time away from their day to check in and read about me, but please know that I'm ok. I just like to share my emotions out loud (a lot).

Relationships are an obstacle course for me. I try to be as cautious as possible before taking the first steps. Then there's that word: "commitment." It isn't easy trusting someone just enough to let them (and only them) in. Obviously, it never works out as planned. No knight in shining armor. No white picket fence. No fairytale endings. Shit happens. Life happens. I'm selfish and want everything, but I don't believe in settling down to get it.

He is with me like I am with him because we love each other, not because we need each other.

Beautiful Collision

Hot tears. Dark room. Nothing, but the glow of my cell phone. 6:45am. Just a bad dream, but I couldn't shake it off so easily. I lay there for a moment recollecting my thoughts as the images ran through my head like a rapid wild fire hoping that the water pouring down my face would put out the flames.

But my mind wouldn't let me rest that easily either...

I stood in front of a toy store, staring at my reflection in the large display window. Wooden airplanes of all sorts of colors dangled above while a miniature train set spun in a circle beneath them. It seemed like a peaceful town, mid-day and kind of chilly. I wore a black raincoat and a pair of jeans and felt the soft fabric as I placed my hands in my pockets. A cool breeze, trailing a soft scent of fresh bread, brushed passed me.

He came out to greet me, tall and slender with a boyish grin. I smiled, ready to grab him with open arms. Until suddenly she followed closely behind him, her golden brown hair slightly covering her face.

"Hey, you ready?" she asked (as if my purpose for being there was to wait for them).

"Ummm...." I stalled not knowing what I should be ready for.

"You said you wanted to shop for presents, silly," she explained, pointing to the toy store.

"Uh, o-oh ok..." I stuttered, playing along.

She shook her head and giggled, turning to him. He bent down and said, "Love you," giving her a sweet kiss on the lips.

My heart stopped.

"That's my kiss," I said to myself. Confused, I turned the other direction and just walked away.

"Hey, where ya goin'?" she said.

I started to run.

They followed.

I saw a small cafe up ahead and made my way to the back patio. I turned to see if they were still behind me, but saw no one. I ordered a salad.

The waitress had her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. She was chewing gum and seemed friendly as she spoke.

"Not very hungry, huh?" she asked.

"Not really, just had a craving." I responded, my voice a little shaky.

The salad came in a small, clear plate with dressing on the side.

"Sure that's all ya want, hon?" she asked politely.

But before I can answer her, I see them sitting side by side at a booth near the back entrance. I got up, holding my salad plate in my hands, and made my way to them.

"So I see you guys are comfortable," I said sarcastically.

They just looked up at me as if I was someone else.

"What in the hell has gotten into you?!" he demanded.

Without warning, I dumped my salad on his lap and sat down directly across from them, crossing my hands to prevent it from trembling.

"What the hell has gotten into me? You're supposed to be following me and instead you're sitting here!" I shot back.

"Why should we run all over the place trying to catch you when all we have to do is sit here and let you come to us? Either you'll be calm enough to talk or of course, the usual. You can throw your food at me...," he retorted, as he picked up some lettuce and plopped in on the table.

I slapped him hard across the face as she got up in shock.

"What the hell?!" she screamed.

"Don't you for one sec even think about it," I said, pointing at her.

He just sat there, unaffected.

"You need to calm down and tell us what's wrong?" she said.

I left not realizing I haven't paid for my meal. Halfway down the block, I decided to turn back.

"I already caused a scene, but the waitress didn't deserve that," I said to myself.

People were staring at me as I re-entered the restaurant. My waitress was at the cash register as he handed her a $20 bill. I yanked it from her hands and threw it to Ms. Golden Brown. It landed in her V-neck sweater.

"There goes your tip," I said.

The waitress swiped my card and commented, "Hey whatever happened to happily ever after?"

"It doesn't exist," we all said in unison.

As soon as we stepped out of the restaurant I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Who the hell are you with?" I demanded.

"What are you talking about?" he questioned. "We say we love each other all the time and you never had a problem with that before!" he continued.

"I don't care about that. That phrase gets used and abused all the time that it seems like nothing more than a casual hello these days," I explained.

"It's the KISS!" I yelled to the top of my lungs. People stopped in mid-chew and rushed out to see what the commotion was about.

"You kissed her the way you used to kiss me. It was so sweet and genuine that it even took her breath away! The way I once felt long ago..." I trailed off.

I could see from the corner of my eyes that she nodded in agreement, in shock that I even noticed the subtle change in her facial expression.

"Yes, it was." she said, blushing.

I cried.

Hot tears. Dark room. Nothing, but the glow of my cell phone. 6:45am.